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{/you can't fake it hard enough to please.
12.19.2007 ( 1:25 AM )

god, it sucks, this sucks.

imagine being happy and yet getting the feeling that you're not supposed to be.

i just feel so miserable that i seem to live in two different worlds, and that one cannot co-exist with another, that the elements of one should be extinguished when i'm living in the other. ang nakakalungkot, all of these things constitute who i am, so it's like i have to shut down some part of me when i'm doing this, when i'm doing that. even feelings cannot be carried over, there's no such thing as legitimate happiness. either way there are tradeoffs, hindi talaga pwedeng masatisfy ang dalawang bagay at the same time. i mean, i know you don't care about this part of me so why would i even bother to talk about it, right? ohmigod i'm actually looking for approval, ohmigod what's so wrong with me?

it's just sad, the way i don't want to complain, the way i can't freaking spill my heart out here, cuz i don't want to be confronted, cuz i'm scared this'll be taken the wrong way. everything's great, really, yet it's depressing the way i can't seek refuge from things that apparently, only i care about. or maybe i myself dunno what i want to happen. why can't i be the person i am?

and yet, and yet after all these things in mind I KEEP MUM. the only person who can remedy the situation is me, i know, but again, i'm scared that things might end up worse than before i attempted getting things right. i don't want to ask to change things as they are now, i want them to happen on their own. it'd better come from within.

another reason why i don't want to talk about this is because i don't have anything to back this up, i know i did a lot of things wrong one way or another. and yet i discard this logic, i rely too much on how i feel, regardless of whether it makes sense or not.

i thought i could live with this, but early as now i can't keep up. what more in the future? if there's such a thing.

but then again, i don't know if i want things to change.

i'm too scared. and too starry-eyed. i think i know why i've been losing drive for everyday lately. but i don't want to think that i have actually started doing things for approval rather than for personal satisfaction. that'd be the end of me.

years go by, and still i sit here feeling those same things i felt way before. i hate to admit that i knew it all along. i'm still the misunderstood kid i was before.


again, i know this darkness will endure.



{/Semi-tipsy entry
12.16.2007 ( 11:39 PM )


Oh well. I'll just pretend I didn't know until he gets it. :)


Tangenuh hindi madaling gumawa ng paper pag nakainom. Wish me luck.


{/CHILLAX: Coffee. Carols. Christmas.
12.12.2007 ( 6:49 PM )

Punta kayo! See you there! :)



{/Supergirl Complex #1
12.11.2007 ( 6:04 PM )

Darn. I'm pretty sure this Kas prof of mine is gonna be one huge influence on me.

At first, I wasn't impressed by the way he's teaching, I almost even saw him as an airhead who can't really prove anything. But as the days went by, I realized his bragging was true, his passion was so highly infectious that I ended up teary-eyed in class the other day when he explicitly implied that this generation is such a disappointment.

And I believe that holds true.

Darn, I don't think I've ever been this frustrated in my life. Lots of internal conflicts going on, screwing up my priorities again, and not being able to rant all about this.

I wanted to ditch this Supergirl complex cuz it messes up everything, but the spark it's created is so different. Even words are failing me.

How I wish everyone felt this way too.

I feel so selfish already. :'(


I label this depression, for I know for a fact that this darkness will endure.



12.06.2007 ( 10:01 PM )





Sorry pare.

Shit, guilt rush talaga. I took that question as foul and invasive, to think that he was just concerned about me. To think that he was one of those really few people whom I could talk to during those ohmigod-what-am-I-gonna-do times way way way before. To think that I wouldn't have gotten through all those troubles and worries without his help.

And now, and now..

It's just like my loyalty's shifted.

That's not what I meant or intended. Sorry talaga, sorry.

Darn, siya pa tuloy yung napasama.

Grabe, I feel so guilty for having so little time. Parang nakalimutan ko na sila. Grabe. Ayoko ng ganun. Ayoko.

Hay, tangina, ang lungkot ng feeling. Miss ko na sila.

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{/Nobody here can live forever.
12.04.2007 ( 12:48 AM )

Achievement! Natawid ko na ang Quezon Ave.

Felt so good. :)